Dancing with the Creator

"I was raised to believe that the quality of a man’s life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not be his heart’s knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or academia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler. The gospel, the very good news, is simple, but this is the gate, the trailhead. Ironing out faithless creases is toilsome labor. God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out like is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials, on the other side of the curtain behind which the Wizard of Oz pulls his levers. Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign."
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts, p. 90-91.

The Expression of Love

"The splendor of a human heart which trusts that it is loved gives God more pleasure and delight than Westminster Cathedral, the Sistine Chapel, and all the other human glories combined. Why does our trust offer such immense pleasure to God? Because trust is the preeminent expression of love. Thus, it may mean more to Jesus when we say, 'I trust you,' than when we say, 'I love you.' Where am I in all this? With you, clasping hands each morning and crying out in unison, 'Lord Jesus, I trust you; help my lack of trust.' "
- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, p. 180-181.

Manning on Brokenness

"The great weakness in the North American church at large, and certainly in my life, is our refusal to accept our brokenness. We hide it, evade it, gloss over it. We grabe for the cosmetic kit and put on our virtuous face to make ourselves admirable to the public. Thus, we present to others a self that is spiritually together, superficially happy, and lacquered with a sense of self-deprecating humor that passes for humility. The irony is that while I do not want anyone to know that I am judgmental, lazy, vulnerable, screwed up, and afraid, for fear of losing face, the face that I fear losing is the mask of the imposter, not my own!" (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, pg. 122)

The Elephant in the Room

It’s one in the morning and I can’t sleep because there is an elephant in the room. Not a literal elephant of course; but rather a proverbial elephant. An elephant that I can’t stop looking at. I mean, if there was an elephant in your room you would look at it too. I try not to look. I close my eyes and pretend like the elephant is not there…and I slowly start to think that I may have willed it away. So I open my eyes to check, only to find the elephant is bigger and more of a reminder. Because that’s what this elephant is…it’s a reminder. It is here, so I don’t forget….so I can’t forget.

And as I stare at this elephant I realize something very profound…I am powerless against this elephant. So I am left feeling small, weak, and powerless. Nothing I can do can rid me of this elephant…nothing can rid me of this reminder. My thoughts continually go back and forth and I can’t seem to get free.

What an unlikely scenario…but I go through it daily. The Psalmist writes about wrestling with his thoughts, and I could not think of a better way of phrasing it. I am wrestling with these thoughts, I am powerless against them, and I am left feeling angry. I am left feeling angry at God because I am powerless. Nothing I can think of can rid me of these thoughts. Nothing I can do can rid me of these thoughts. And once again I am left to rely on and trust God…and that makes me angry. I don’t really want to trust Him completely….sometimes I don’t even want to trust Him at all. So it’s lucky for me then that I don’t really have a choice as to whether to trust God. In this I mean that a relationship with God implies trust. I can’t walk with God if I don’t trust him. So I am left with only one choice. The only choice I have is this: will I trust God, or will I reject Him and grasp for autonomy?

And so I strive to trust…because I know He sees the elephant as well.

Wise words from a friend

For several years I have had a friend that I deeply care about. This is not a friend that I can spend time with, or even see (although I did one time). He would not consider me a friend due to the fact that we have never actually met, but this does not change the impact that he has had on me. His name is Brennan Manning. Over the past 3 years, his writings (and the one time I had the privilege to hear him speak) have made a lasting impression on me. He is a man that I am continually thankful for and whose writings inspire me to greater intimacy with Jesus. As I have had a lot of time on my hands lately, I have found myself picking up a book of his once again. I have never read Ruthless Truth before, but am once again being inspired by this man's life and work. As always, I feel the need to share:

• "Of what avail is our life of prayer, our study of scripture, our theology, and spirituality, if we do not trust the insights that we have received? Waffling back and forth between a decisive yes and a discouraging no keeps us in a state of terminal procrastination. Likewise, an exclusive emphasis on the burning theological issues of the day (many of which are neither burning nor theological) or a one-sided emphasis on the pressing issues of social justice can temporarily or even permanently postpone a decision to trust in the love of God, thus keeping us in a state of spiritual limbo (p. 20)."

I am sure as I continue reading that I will again be sharing words that mean so much to me...as I learn about loving and trusting my Abba.

Left in a fog of loneliness.....

Do you ever feel lonely? Maybe this is a ridiculous question…everyone gets lonely. But I’m not talking about that. I’m referring to a loneliness that leaves you in a fog…wandering around without knowing really what’s going on. That’s how I felt tonight, as if I was wandering through a fog, trying desperately to find my way out.

That’s why I write, trying to establish a connection with the reader; it’s why I read, trying to establish a connection with the writer; and it’s why I pray, trying to establish that connection with God.

But when I get to this point of loneliness, I shy away from others. I don’t want to be around people when I am lonely even though it is what my heart is crying out for. I feel awkward, uncomfortable and often more lonely than before, simply because I can’t make that soul-satisfying connection with that person. I am always left wanting more…or at the very least wanting something different.

And that’s why I avoid God so often. I’m scared that I will be left with that wanting, left with that feeling, or even be left more wanting and more lonely. So I avoid Him. I avoid the One that I know can satisfy that longing. I avoid the One who can make me whole. I avoid the One that can heal me. I avoid the One that is…the One.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

Ruthless Trust

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."
- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, p. 13.

What is your greatest fear?

"Our Greatest Fear" - Nelson Mandela

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

It's the start of something....

I leave Ontario in just over a week. My summer is almost done. It's time to return to Manitoba. Return to a place I cherish, people I love, and winters that leave something else to be desired. It's a strange feeling that I have...not sure how to describe it.

The last few weeks I have felt this huge craving in my soul. One that I have felt for many years, but am now feeling it more than ever. The craving for an adventure. The craving to escape the ordinary routine of life. The craving for something else....something more. Maybe that's why this summer feels strange, because it is the start of that something else....possibly something more. Time will tell what that something else is, what that something more is....or if there is even something more for me.

For many years that something more has manifested itself in a desire to just go. I want to simply get a car (or van) and just go...see where I end up...see who I meet...see what I do....see what I see. I can't shake this desire. I can't shake this craving. I simply can't. Maybe one day I will do it (hopefully next summer), or maybe one day I will lose the desire, or maybe it's just a manifestation of how I want to live my life...I don't know. All I know is that I want something much more than this life I am living. I want an adventure with God at the reigns...I want something more.

My anxiety...and why I'm thankful

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

This is the verse that I've been taking to work with me for the past few days. I'm been memorizing it (something that takes some time for me), contemplating it, meditating on it, and struggling over it to a certain extent.

Being anxious is something I do. This sounds like justification, but that is not my intent. I wish I was less anxious about everything: waiting for e-mails, bad drivers around me, decisions about the future, when I'll get to eat, whether my friends will stand by me, whether I will stand by myself, whether my relationship with God is growing, etc. I'm pretty much perpetually anxious...which from personal experience is not a good thing, and this passage confirms it.

But that's not what stands out to me most about this verse. For the most part, the anxiety thing seems to explain itself in this verse. Feeling anxious...bring it to God. Check! Good to know...hard to do, but good to know.

What stands out to me most is a part of the passage that seems to be out of place. Let's read it again:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Wait a second...with thanksgiving??? How does that fit? Where did that come from? Somebody tell me.

So here we go...I'm anxious, so I bring it to God. I'm struggling with something...and I'm supposed to be thankful. Good to know. Does this frustrate anybody else? It doesn't seem to fit, and that's annoying. But as I continued to think this one over, I realized better questions to ask: Why am I not thankful? Why is coming to God 'with thanksgiving' difficult for me?

I'm not sure. I don't know why that is difficult for me. Even when things are great I can find it difficult...correction, I simply seem to neglect it. I But the more I thought about it, the more another verse popped into my head.

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling." - Exodus 15:13

Let's break this one down for a second:
Your unfailling love
You will lead
Your strength
You will guide

Wow...now that's something to come to God "with thanksgiving" for...even when I'm anxious.

Hosea...who are you?

Hosea was a prophet of God and was giving a very unusual task. God instructed Hosea to marry an adulterous wife; and so he did. Hosea went and married Gomer. (I can’t imagine that this was a task that Hosea was really excited about. He is a prophet of God and is being instructed to marry an adulterous woman.) Hosea and Gomer had three kids. After the kids were born, Gomer ran off and deserted Hosea. So what did God want now? God told Hosea to “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulterous (Hosea 3:1).”

What? Go and love her again…are you serious? And this is how I have historical over the years related to Hosea: I too have been scorned and rejected by those who I have cared about. I have felt as if I was deserted. But as I read over the book of Hosea last week, something finally dawned on me: I am not Hosea.

Throughout the book God is telling Hosea what he should share with the people of Israel. It’s not a pretty picture. It is a picture of rejection, scorn, betrayal, and pain. God has been betrayed by His people. They have turned their backs on Him and have committed adultery to idols and other gods. They have cheated on Him.

I have cheated on Him. I have rejected, scorned, and betrayed my God. I have committed adultery with other idols and other gods…ones that I have created. In this book, Gomer is Israel…but I am also Gomer. I have been the one who has cheated on my God.

And that sucks to admit. It hurts to admit that I have failed. It hurts to realize that I am Gomer. Throughout the book, God is telling Hosea what will happen to His people who have committed adultery to Him. Ouch.

But that is not the end of the picture…there is more.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt (Hosea 2: 14-15)

“I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord (Hosea 2:19-20).”

“When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I called Israel, the further they went from me. They sacrificed to the Baals and they burned incense to images. It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them….How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zeboiim? My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused. I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not man – the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath. They will follow the Lord; he will roar like a lion. When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west. They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria. I will settle them in their homes, declares the Lord (Hosea 11:1-4, 8-11).”

I am not Hosea…God is. His people have scorned and rejected Him…and I am one of those who have done this. But just as God called Hosea to reach out to Gomer in love, God is continually reaching for His children. God is reaching for me…because I am His. I am God’s love…I am His Gomer.

This is it. This is the new blog. It's new for several reasons. The big one was that I needed a change. I no longer wanted to keep my old blog going (NOTE: I will keep it for my personal nostalgia). I started that blog when I was 17 years old and leaving for college for the first time. It seems like almost a lifetime ago. I am now a college graduate and have been hired by the school that I attended. It's a new phase of life and one that will bring it's new challenges. And with new challanges comes a new mindset. This new mindset is the reasons that I have started this new blog. I want to start fresh. I want to make a new beginning.

I want to use this space to say something. I want to share little pieces of myself, since sharing my entire self in tihs space would be impossible. I want to share my thoughts, my passions, my struggles, my pains, etc. But mostly I want to be able to use this space to share what God is teaching me. This is for two reasons:

1) to keep record for myself what God has been doing in/through/to me. I want to be able to look back and see what God has been doing, because he is always doing something.
2) to have a place to share. I believe that God wants us to share with others what He is teaching us. Therefore, I want to share.

It seems like there are a lot of things that I want to accomplish with this blog. Maybe I won't be able to do it, but I can try...and so I will. Here we go, lets get started.