The Elephant in the Room

It’s one in the morning and I can’t sleep because there is an elephant in the room. Not a literal elephant of course; but rather a proverbial elephant. An elephant that I can’t stop looking at. I mean, if there was an elephant in your room you would look at it too. I try not to look. I close my eyes and pretend like the elephant is not there…and I slowly start to think that I may have willed it away. So I open my eyes to check, only to find the elephant is bigger and more of a reminder. Because that’s what this elephant is…it’s a reminder. It is here, so I don’t forget….so I can’t forget.

And as I stare at this elephant I realize something very profound…I am powerless against this elephant. So I am left feeling small, weak, and powerless. Nothing I can do can rid me of this elephant…nothing can rid me of this reminder. My thoughts continually go back and forth and I can’t seem to get free.

What an unlikely scenario…but I go through it daily. The Psalmist writes about wrestling with his thoughts, and I could not think of a better way of phrasing it. I am wrestling with these thoughts, I am powerless against them, and I am left feeling angry. I am left feeling angry at God because I am powerless. Nothing I can think of can rid me of these thoughts. Nothing I can do can rid me of these thoughts. And once again I am left to rely on and trust God…and that makes me angry. I don’t really want to trust Him completely….sometimes I don’t even want to trust Him at all. So it’s lucky for me then that I don’t really have a choice as to whether to trust God. In this I mean that a relationship with God implies trust. I can’t walk with God if I don’t trust him. So I am left with only one choice. The only choice I have is this: will I trust God, or will I reject Him and grasp for autonomy?

And so I strive to trust…because I know He sees the elephant as well.

Wise words from a friend

For several years I have had a friend that I deeply care about. This is not a friend that I can spend time with, or even see (although I did one time). He would not consider me a friend due to the fact that we have never actually met, but this does not change the impact that he has had on me. His name is Brennan Manning. Over the past 3 years, his writings (and the one time I had the privilege to hear him speak) have made a lasting impression on me. He is a man that I am continually thankful for and whose writings inspire me to greater intimacy with Jesus. As I have had a lot of time on my hands lately, I have found myself picking up a book of his once again. I have never read Ruthless Truth before, but am once again being inspired by this man's life and work. As always, I feel the need to share:

• "Of what avail is our life of prayer, our study of scripture, our theology, and spirituality, if we do not trust the insights that we have received? Waffling back and forth between a decisive yes and a discouraging no keeps us in a state of terminal procrastination. Likewise, an exclusive emphasis on the burning theological issues of the day (many of which are neither burning nor theological) or a one-sided emphasis on the pressing issues of social justice can temporarily or even permanently postpone a decision to trust in the love of God, thus keeping us in a state of spiritual limbo (p. 20)."

I am sure as I continue reading that I will again be sharing words that mean so much to me...as I learn about loving and trusting my Abba.

Left in a fog of loneliness.....

Do you ever feel lonely? Maybe this is a ridiculous question…everyone gets lonely. But I’m not talking about that. I’m referring to a loneliness that leaves you in a fog…wandering around without knowing really what’s going on. That’s how I felt tonight, as if I was wandering through a fog, trying desperately to find my way out.

That’s why I write, trying to establish a connection with the reader; it’s why I read, trying to establish a connection with the writer; and it’s why I pray, trying to establish that connection with God.

But when I get to this point of loneliness, I shy away from others. I don’t want to be around people when I am lonely even though it is what my heart is crying out for. I feel awkward, uncomfortable and often more lonely than before, simply because I can’t make that soul-satisfying connection with that person. I am always left wanting more…or at the very least wanting something different.

And that’s why I avoid God so often. I’m scared that I will be left with that wanting, left with that feeling, or even be left more wanting and more lonely. So I avoid Him. I avoid the One that I know can satisfy that longing. I avoid the One who can make me whole. I avoid the One that can heal me. I avoid the One that is…the One.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

Ruthless Trust

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."
- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, p. 13.

What is your greatest fear?

"Our Greatest Fear" - Nelson Mandela

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

It's the start of something....

I leave Ontario in just over a week. My summer is almost done. It's time to return to Manitoba. Return to a place I cherish, people I love, and winters that leave something else to be desired. It's a strange feeling that I have...not sure how to describe it.

The last few weeks I have felt this huge craving in my soul. One that I have felt for many years, but am now feeling it more than ever. The craving for an adventure. The craving to escape the ordinary routine of life. The craving for something else....something more. Maybe that's why this summer feels strange, because it is the start of that something else....possibly something more. Time will tell what that something else is, what that something more is....or if there is even something more for me.

For many years that something more has manifested itself in a desire to just go. I want to simply get a car (or van) and just go...see where I end up...see who I meet...see what I do....see what I see. I can't shake this desire. I can't shake this craving. I simply can't. Maybe one day I will do it (hopefully next summer), or maybe one day I will lose the desire, or maybe it's just a manifestation of how I want to live my life...I don't know. All I know is that I want something much more than this life I am living. I want an adventure with God at the reigns...I want something more.