Being Alone...with Bonhoeffer

"Many people seek fellowship because they are afraid to be alone. Because they cannot stand loneliness, they are diven to seek the compnay of other people. There are Christians too, who cannot endure being alone, who have had some bad experiences with themselves, who hope they will gain some help in association with others. They are generally disappointed. Then they blame the fellowship for what is really their own fault. The Christian community is not a spiritual sanatorium. The person who comes into a fellowship because he is running away from himself is misusing it for the sake of diversion, no matter how spiritual this diversion may appear. He is really not seeking community at all, but only distraction which will allow him to forget his loneliness for a brief time, the very alienation that creates the deadly isolation of man."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, p. 76.

The Painful Awareness of Place

I am becoming painfully aware of my place. This sounds like a bad thing, but it is a blessing that I have utmost thanks for. My awareness is that I am loved, that I am a child of the living God, and I am His.

This is the journey that I am on. It can be painful, but it is in this pain that I am comforted. It is in this place where I am intimately meeting with my Love, with my Lord.

First Call....

I feel called to minister to others...how quickly I seem to forget that my first calling is to be ministered to by God. My first call, and the primary one in my life, must be to be with God. This can be through others around me, or through the powerful movement of the Holy Spirit. This is what it means to be a disciple.

I would rather sit at His feet
Than stand in front and preach

Dancing with the Creator

"I was raised to believe that the quality of a man’s life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not be his heart’s knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or academia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler. The gospel, the very good news, is simple, but this is the gate, the trailhead. Ironing out faithless creases is toilsome labor. God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out like is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials, on the other side of the curtain behind which the Wizard of Oz pulls his levers. Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign."
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts, p. 90-91.

The Expression of Love

"The splendor of a human heart which trusts that it is loved gives God more pleasure and delight than Westminster Cathedral, the Sistine Chapel, and all the other human glories combined. Why does our trust offer such immense pleasure to God? Because trust is the preeminent expression of love. Thus, it may mean more to Jesus when we say, 'I trust you,' than when we say, 'I love you.' Where am I in all this? With you, clasping hands each morning and crying out in unison, 'Lord Jesus, I trust you; help my lack of trust.' "
- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, p. 180-181.

Manning on Brokenness

"The great weakness in the North American church at large, and certainly in my life, is our refusal to accept our brokenness. We hide it, evade it, gloss over it. We grabe for the cosmetic kit and put on our virtuous face to make ourselves admirable to the public. Thus, we present to others a self that is spiritually together, superficially happy, and lacquered with a sense of self-deprecating humor that passes for humility. The irony is that while I do not want anyone to know that I am judgmental, lazy, vulnerable, screwed up, and afraid, for fear of losing face, the face that I fear losing is the mask of the imposter, not my own!" (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, pg. 122)

The Elephant in the Room

It’s one in the morning and I can’t sleep because there is an elephant in the room. Not a literal elephant of course; but rather a proverbial elephant. An elephant that I can’t stop looking at. I mean, if there was an elephant in your room you would look at it too. I try not to look. I close my eyes and pretend like the elephant is not there…and I slowly start to think that I may have willed it away. So I open my eyes to check, only to find the elephant is bigger and more of a reminder. Because that’s what this elephant is…it’s a reminder. It is here, so I don’t forget….so I can’t forget.

And as I stare at this elephant I realize something very profound…I am powerless against this elephant. So I am left feeling small, weak, and powerless. Nothing I can do can rid me of this elephant…nothing can rid me of this reminder. My thoughts continually go back and forth and I can’t seem to get free.

What an unlikely scenario…but I go through it daily. The Psalmist writes about wrestling with his thoughts, and I could not think of a better way of phrasing it. I am wrestling with these thoughts, I am powerless against them, and I am left feeling angry. I am left feeling angry at God because I am powerless. Nothing I can think of can rid me of these thoughts. Nothing I can do can rid me of these thoughts. And once again I am left to rely on and trust God…and that makes me angry. I don’t really want to trust Him completely….sometimes I don’t even want to trust Him at all. So it’s lucky for me then that I don’t really have a choice as to whether to trust God. In this I mean that a relationship with God implies trust. I can’t walk with God if I don’t trust him. So I am left with only one choice. The only choice I have is this: will I trust God, or will I reject Him and grasp for autonomy?

And so I strive to trust…because I know He sees the elephant as well.

Wise words from a friend

For several years I have had a friend that I deeply care about. This is not a friend that I can spend time with, or even see (although I did one time). He would not consider me a friend due to the fact that we have never actually met, but this does not change the impact that he has had on me. His name is Brennan Manning. Over the past 3 years, his writings (and the one time I had the privilege to hear him speak) have made a lasting impression on me. He is a man that I am continually thankful for and whose writings inspire me to greater intimacy with Jesus. As I have had a lot of time on my hands lately, I have found myself picking up a book of his once again. I have never read Ruthless Truth before, but am once again being inspired by this man's life and work. As always, I feel the need to share:

• "Of what avail is our life of prayer, our study of scripture, our theology, and spirituality, if we do not trust the insights that we have received? Waffling back and forth between a decisive yes and a discouraging no keeps us in a state of terminal procrastination. Likewise, an exclusive emphasis on the burning theological issues of the day (many of which are neither burning nor theological) or a one-sided emphasis on the pressing issues of social justice can temporarily or even permanently postpone a decision to trust in the love of God, thus keeping us in a state of spiritual limbo (p. 20)."

I am sure as I continue reading that I will again be sharing words that mean so much to me...as I learn about loving and trusting my Abba.

Left in a fog of loneliness.....

Do you ever feel lonely? Maybe this is a ridiculous question…everyone gets lonely. But I’m not talking about that. I’m referring to a loneliness that leaves you in a fog…wandering around without knowing really what’s going on. That’s how I felt tonight, as if I was wandering through a fog, trying desperately to find my way out.

That’s why I write, trying to establish a connection with the reader; it’s why I read, trying to establish a connection with the writer; and it’s why I pray, trying to establish that connection with God.

But when I get to this point of loneliness, I shy away from others. I don’t want to be around people when I am lonely even though it is what my heart is crying out for. I feel awkward, uncomfortable and often more lonely than before, simply because I can’t make that soul-satisfying connection with that person. I am always left wanting more…or at the very least wanting something different.

And that’s why I avoid God so often. I’m scared that I will be left with that wanting, left with that feeling, or even be left more wanting and more lonely. So I avoid Him. I avoid the One that I know can satisfy that longing. I avoid the One who can make me whole. I avoid the One that can heal me. I avoid the One that is…the One.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

Ruthless Trust

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."
- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, p. 13.